Suck It Up

When I got canned like so many glazed hams and realized that I'd have to go on unemployment for the first time, I was admittedly torn.

On one hand, I'd contributed tens of thousands of dollars of my hard earned pay over the years to fill my fellow citizens' gaping, unemployed maws, so you're damned right I'll collect now that my own maw needs filling. On the other hand, there was a stigma attached with collecting. Going on the dole. Being a freeloader. A ward of the state. I was suddenly Wimpy, promising to pay Massachusetts Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Plus, despite my best efforts to stay positive, I've officially reached that "Other People Suck" mental stage of unemployment. Chronologically, this comes right after the "I'm Kinda Shocked but Onto Bigger and Better!" and "Gee, I Like the Extra Writing/Exercise/"Price Is Right" Time but I'm Starting To Go a Tad Stir Crazy" stages, and right before the "I Hope Those Myopic Tools Rot in Hell for Firing Me! Now, Where'd I Put That C-4 and Those Blueprints of My Old Office Building?!" stage.

This, combined with being a Jimmy Rollins owner and therefore experiencing way too much "things sucking" lately, could have been flammable. Especially when combined with my low tolerance for gum-snapping, four-hour-smoke break-taking, mouth-breathing bureaucrats who are only employed because their uncle -- some longtime city councilman with a well-coiffed moustache and a PT Cruiser -- cashed in a favor so his imbecile nephew could get a cushy (mindless) job-for-life away from society where he'd be less apt to hurt himself or others – except me. So filing for benefits, I figured, would be a hellish, Orwellian gulag of endless, drone-shuffling lines, painful soft rock hold music, and Sphinxian forms, rules and regulations.

But to my delight, the Massachusetts Department of Workforce Development is just. Plain. Awesome. Claiming benefits online is automated, fast and easy. When you do have to speak to an actual human -- get this -- they actually pick up their phones and are helpful, sympathetic and pleasant. And while you might think I'm writing this in case (A) said imbecile nephew is a roto player and reads this column, and, hence, (B) the blatant ass kissing will come in handy when I inevitably file an extension to my current benefits because there are no advertising jobs out there, I'm also trying to say that sometimes the people you expect to suck the most, don't . . . and vice versa.

And as you know all too well, in fantasy baseball, players can surprise you every single week. For better or – we're talking to you, Rollins – for worse.

RISERS

Evan Longoria: Dear God, please create an entirely new universe on top of the one we have. Reason being, our current mesosphere, stratosphere and troposphere just aren't high enough to contain the skyrocketing value of one Evan Longoria, who's now batting .358 with 11 HR, 27 Runs and 44 RBI through 33 games. Thanks, Chief. Your pal, Mark. (p.s. Any chance you can talk to your former friend and colleague Lucifer about the fine print on his contract with actor Ryan Reynolds? I can stomach the guy's career – hey, he probably did his share of dinner theater before hitting the romantic comedy jackpot by basically being Jim Carrey with tighter abs and shinier porcelain veneers -- but the marriage to Scarlett Johansson? That's gotta be a typo. Seriously, Satan better have Johnnie Cochran check that out, pronto.)

Ryan Zimmerman: Thanks in part to his 29-game hitting streak, he's now batting .363 with 8 HR and 26 RBI. I once again say that Zimmerman should be buying Adam Dunn a Rolex after each game, because no way Zim has this hot start if the Nats don't acquire the big donkey. But it's not like Zimmerman's "punch-and-judying" through the streak – he's had more than one hit in 8 of his last 10 games, batting .511 and slugging .800 for May. Speaking of Dunn . . .

Adam Dunn: Not only is he providing his normal power – 11 HRs, 28 RBI, .660 SLG – but he's doing his best Ichiro impersonation with a .311 AVG and a tied-for-league-lead 27 walks (pure gold for you OBP leaguers).

Johnny Damon: Six homers in his last ten games. Batting .314. Chaka Johnny like #2 spot in Yankee batting order. Chaka Johnny like hit second big rock wheel good.

Jason Bay: Just carrying the Sox -- .324, with 9 bombs, 29 Runs and a second-in-the-Majors 34 RBI. Almost makes Sox fans forget about the withered, popup-hitting corpse that is David Ortiz. Almost.

Juan Pierre: Aside from learning that Manny Ramirez apparently needed HCG because he had trouble ovulating and -- the poor thing -- was probably worried about carrying a child to full term in his genetically freakish man-womb, we also discovered a beneficiary from this mess: Juan Pierre, who's now got a starting gig for the next 50ish games in the prime leadoff spot. He won't keep hitting .426 but he's got a nice career AVG of .301 and will deliver Runs and SBs aplenty.

When I got canned like so many glazed hams and realized that I'd have to go on unemployment for the first time, I was admittedly torn.

On one hand, I'd contributed tens of thousands of dollars of my hard earned pay over the years to fill my fellow citizens' gaping, unemployed maws, so you're damned right I'll collect now that my own maw needs filling. On the other hand, there was a stigma attached with collecting. Going on the dole. Being a freeloader. A ward of the state. I was suddenly Wimpy, promising to pay Massachusetts Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Plus, despite my best efforts to stay positive, I've officially reached that "Other People Suck" mental stage of unemployment. Chronologically, this comes right after the "I'm Kinda Shocked but Onto Bigger and Better!" and "Gee, I Like the Extra Writing/Exercise/"Price Is Right" Time but I'm Starting To Go a Tad Stir Crazy" stages, and right before the "I Hope Those Myopic Tools Rot in Hell for Firing Me! Now, Where'd I Put That C-4 and Those Blueprints of My Old Office Building?!" stage.

This, combined with being a Jimmy Rollins owner and therefore experiencing way too much "things sucking" lately, could have been flammable. Especially when combined with my low tolerance for gum-snapping, four-hour-smoke break-taking, mouth-breathing bureaucrats who are only employed because their uncle -- some longtime city councilman with a well-coiffed moustache and a PT Cruiser -- cashed in a favor so his imbecile nephew could get a cushy (mindless) job-for-life away from society where he'd be less apt to hurt himself or others – except me. So filing for benefits, I figured, would be a hellish, Orwellian gulag of endless, drone-shuffling lines, painful soft rock hold music, and Sphinxian forms, rules and regulations.

But to my delight, the Massachusetts Department of Workforce Development is just. Plain. Awesome. Claiming benefits online is automated, fast and easy. When you do have to speak to an actual human -- get this -- they actually pick up their phones and are helpful, sympathetic and pleasant. And while you might think I'm writing this in case (A) said imbecile nephew is a roto player and reads this column, and, hence, (B) the blatant ass kissing will come in handy when I inevitably file an extension to my current benefits because there are no advertising jobs out there, I'm also trying to say that sometimes the people you expect to suck the most, don't . . . and vice versa.

And as you know all too well, in fantasy baseball, players can surprise you every single week. For better or – we're talking to you, Rollins – for worse.

RISERS

Evan Longoria: Dear God, please create an entirely new universe on top of the one we have. Reason being, our current mesosphere, stratosphere and troposphere just aren't high enough to contain the skyrocketing value of one Evan Longoria, who's now batting .358 with 11 HR, 27 Runs and 44 RBI through 33 games. Thanks, Chief. Your pal, Mark. (p.s. Any chance you can talk to your former friend and colleague Lucifer about the fine print on his contract with actor Ryan Reynolds? I can stomach the guy's career – hey, he probably did his share of dinner theater before hitting the romantic comedy jackpot by basically being Jim Carrey with tighter abs and shinier porcelain veneers -- but the marriage to Scarlett Johansson? That's gotta be a typo. Seriously, Satan better have Johnnie Cochran check that out, pronto.)

Ryan Zimmerman: Thanks in part to his 29-game hitting streak, he's now batting .363 with 8 HR and 26 RBI. I once again say that Zimmerman should be buying Adam Dunn a Rolex after each game, because no way Zim has this hot start if the Nats don't acquire the big donkey. But it's not like Zimmerman's "punch-and-judying" through the streak – he's had more than one hit in 8 of his last 10 games, batting .511 and slugging .800 for May. Speaking of Dunn . . .

Adam Dunn: Not only is he providing his normal power – 11 HRs, 28 RBI, .660 SLG – but he's doing his best Ichiro impersonation with a .311 AVG and a tied-for-league-lead 27 walks (pure gold for you OBP leaguers).

Johnny Damon: Six homers in his last ten games. Batting .314. Chaka Johnny like #2 spot in Yankee batting order. Chaka Johnny like hit second big rock wheel good.

Jason Bay: Just carrying the Sox -- .324, with 9 bombs, 29 Runs and a second-in-the-Majors 34 RBI. Almost makes Sox fans forget about the withered, popup-hitting corpse that is David Ortiz. Almost.

Juan Pierre: Aside from learning that Manny Ramirez apparently needed HCG because he had trouble ovulating and -- the poor thing -- was probably worried about carrying a child to full term in his genetically freakish man-womb, we also discovered a beneficiary from this mess: Juan Pierre, who's now got a starting gig for the next 50ish games in the prime leadoff spot. He won't keep hitting .426 but he's got a nice career AVG of .301 and will deliver Runs and SBs aplenty.



Zack Greinke: I keep wanting not to include him and sound like a broken record, but even his losses are spectacular. Two starts last week: 1 W, 15 K with a sub-1.00 WHIP and ERA.

Hanley Ramirez: I guess being a Faller for the first month was embarrassing for the erstwhile #1 overall fantasy player, because he's finally playing with a chip on his shoulder. He batted over .500 with 4 HR, 11 Runs, 7 RBI and 3 SBs this past week, allowing his owners to breathe a collective sigh of relief (one that smelled oddly like cat food, as Hanley's owners had been borderline catatonic all April, curled into the fetal position in a puddle of their own yuck, barely finding the energy to eat the Friskies Seafood Sensations® that somehow sustained them).

Brian Fuentes: Count me as one Arredondo owner who thought/hoped Fuentes would tank as Angels' closer, but he's 9-11 in save chances with a 15/5 K/BB rate, and last week he racked up 4 saves with 0 ER and a sub-1.00 WHIP.

Eric Byrnes: Don't look now but Byrnes, who sported an insanely unlucky sub-.200 BABIP during his freezing cold start, is now heating up with a 9 -16 streak over his past four games, raising his April .173 average to .216. (It's a start). And with Chris Young looking like he'll have trouble being a 10/10 player let alone the 20/20 many expected, Byrnes, health permitting, will keep seeing action

This Heineken anti-drunk driving commercial: While it's unlikely that (A) those two hot girls would go home with a coupla tools who wear sunglasses at night and/or play air drums, and (B) Buddy Hackett is so down on his luck that he's now working the graveyard SoHo nightclub cab shift, kudos to Heineken's ad agency for having the stones to be bold and take drunk driving PSAs out of the requisite, cliched, scary/dour/"shame on you" zone by bringing some fun into the mix. Bonus points for Biz Markie use.

(Speaking of sunglasses at night, my pals and I once had a game called "Rock Star or Douche Bag?" Whenever we'd find ourselves walking down trendy Newbury Street on a balmy Saturday night and see some meticulously unkempt jagweed wearing shades -- typically while sporting the wool ski hat/torn flannel shirt open to the navel combo -- we'd ask the age-old question: "Rock Star or Douche Bag??" The answer, inevitably, was the latter. Except for one time when the homeless-looking guy wearing shades at night was Tommy Stinson of Replacements/Guns 'N Roses fame.)

Brian McCann: Hitting .375 with a homer and 4 RBI since coming off the DL with the sporty new Willem Dafoe in 'Mississippi Burning' shades.

Lou Merloni: The former Sox second baseman isn't going out on a Jose Canseco-sized limb or anything, but he did bring an interesting "the Sox organization knew players were using 'roids so they brought in a doctor to explain how to juice up safely" angle. As of press time, reports that the "doctor" was a certain BU Medical School student who would later start offing Craigslist "masseuses" are unsubstantiated. But what has been confirmed is that the doctor then moved on to other helpful programs for MLB players like "How to hide from your wife the scorching case of Herpes you caught on the last road trip" and "Boat Shows, Car Dealerships and Shrunken-Apple Testicles: Your Exciting Life After Baseball."

Emmanuel Burriss: A recent .481 rampage has earned him the leadoff spot in SF over Fred Lewis, and those looking for cheap NL steals (he's got 9) can pounce.

Joe Saunders: Carrying the decimated LA staff, the underrated Saunders is now 5-1 and won twice this week with 13 Ks, an ERA barely over 1 and a sub-1.00 WHIP.

FALLERS

Brad Ziegler: The favorite for saves after Joey Devine went down, Ziegler is now battling the flu and asthma, and may hit the DL if it doesn't clear up. They're calling it the dreaded committee but Andrew Bailey should get the bulk of opps.

Jimmy Rollins: FAIL.

Magglio Ordonez: Hitting .241 – 70 points below his .311 career average -- with virtually no power (2 HRs, 3 extra base hits), he of the cascading, Soul Glowed, Tonga Kid locks has been a flat out drain on his owners, one of those maddening "he's killing me but I can't drop him" guys.

Cameron Maybin: One of Roto Nation's favorite SB/Run sleepers heading into the season (when he was slated to lead off for the potent Marlins), Maybin was utterly overmatched, batting .202 with 31 Ks in 84 ABs.

COBRA Wouldn't you think that they'd have given a less threatening name for a costly insurance plan for people who are already scared as hell about their futures? BUNNY, maybe? HUGG? KITTY?

Jose Contreras: The onetime object of a top hat-and-monocle-wearing moneybags fight between the Red Sox and Yankees, Contreras went 0-5 with a 8.19 ERA in six starts this season and now finds himself at AAA Charlotte. I never believed in Contreras, even when my Sox were pursuing him. Why? Because the guy was clearly about 25 years older than he claimed. Case in point, this piece from my now dormant satire sports web site, The Sports Rag, may it rest in peace.

Lance Berkman: Still flashing decent power (7 HRs) but Phil Mickelson's doppelganger is batting only .184 and battling a sore wrist which has cost him the last three games. He says he'll be back tonight but watch this one closely.

Brad Lidge He's still scraping -- 0-1 with an 8.53 ERA in 12 2/3 innings, 5 ER in his last four appearances – but claims he's feeling the best he's felt all season. Still, you Lidge owners should already have a twitchy waiver trigger finger for Ryan Madson.

Dexter Fowler: Hasn't done squat since stealing 5 bases off a potted cactus that was placed on the pitcher's mound with a baseball stuck on the quills . . . er, Chris Young. Average has dropped from .310 on April 28 to .258 today, with a .382 SLG. I think the Rocks keep giving him time to heat up again but he's fast becoming merely keeper league material.

Texting Your Girlfriend While Driving Giant, Speeding Subway Trains: Hey, Dopey von PassengerHurter, put the Sidekick down and drive the friggin train!

Kyle Lohse: Got lit up in two starts last week, only lasting about 5 innings and allowing 6-plus runs per outing, while only K'ing 4 per. He's still 3-2 but it's looked ugly.

King Felix: After a great start, Hernandez threw more like the court jester this week -- ah, yes, medieval hierarchy humor – and lost twice, the one against MIN particularly bad: 4 IP, 2 K, 3 BB, 5 ER. Nothing to fear, though. He'll be fine.

Joakim Soria: Shoulder soreness sends him to the DL. Luckily for Soria owners, his visit with Dr. Lewis Yocum (the orthopedic surgery Gehrig to James Andrews's Ruth) revealed no structural damage and it sounds like he'll be back sooner than later. But if you signed up for my Twitter updates you'd have gotten the Soria news the second it broke, and, hopefully, snagged Juan Cruz, unlike my Soria-owning league mate who got very, very upset with me for beating him to Cruz. Giggle.