Last week was bittersweet.
Even though I was exhausted after several consecutive nights of colicky infant-tarnished sleep, red-eyed air travel to Boulder, drinking beer in high altitudes (one Bud Light felt like I'd licked an entire blotter of acid) and the emotional toll of having to be "on" for a full day of job interviews ("Dance, monkey boy! Bang those cymbals!"), I was nevertheless excited about life in general.
New baby. New job possibility, at one of the world's most awarded creative ad agencies, in a beautiful part of the country. (Boulder couldn't have been nicer; its mountains point, giggle and make tired Viagra® jokes at Vermont's/New Hampshire's poor little emasculated molehills.) What's not to love? Yes, life was suddenly looking as grand as possible for a laid-off schmuck with one third-to-last-place roto team and, suddenly, two children to support . . . which made what happened next even more deflating. (And, no, I'm not talking about
Tim Wakefield's getting no love in the All-Star game or my trading
Justin Morneau right
before his 7 RBI outburst.)
When I landed back in Boston, I received an email from a friend, the uber-talented LA-based playwright ("Radio Free Emerson")/director (
Parachute)/TV writer ("Law & Order SVU"), Paul Grellong. It was titled
"D'oh! I guess we were ahead of our time" and included a link to a new fantasy football TV series on FX,
"The League," co-helmed by the exec producer of "Curb Your Enthusiasm," Jeff Schaffer.
I was torn: on one hand, I
lovvvvve "Curb" – best TV
on TV along with "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," "Rescue Me," "Dexter," and "30 Rock" – but on the other hand, Paul and I had this same basic idea five years ago. (Open mouth; insert Liquid Draino.) See, he'd read
my first book and, in 2004, wrote a TV pilot based on it called "Fantasy Man." Like "The League," it was a look at life, love, marriage, friendship and parenting through the eyes of a fantasy football fanatic and his longtime league. We pitched it around -- not well, evidently -- but the common response at the time was, "Who wants to watch a bunch of nerds play this dorky 'fantasy football' game?"
Granted, we're admittedly not Schaffer, who was also a "Seinfeld" exec producer and co-writer of "Bruno." So I'm honestly glad someone like him is in charge and I, like most of you fantasy fanatics, absolutely can't wait to see it. Especially if Jeff, a fantasy sports nut himself, reads this column, soaks in this shameless, long-winded, thinly-veiled suck-up, and hires me to write for him while I'm (hopefully) working in Boulder. Seriously. I can commute to LA over the Rockies via burro. He doesn't even have to pay me in American currency. I'll take rubles. Dunkin Munchkins. Play-Doh. Unwashed, game-worn Al Hrabosky underwear. Anything.
Anyway, being ahead of one's time can also be a curse in roto baseball. I'm prone to drafting/buying players a year before they really blow up. It's uncanny. I mean, check out my pitching staff in my main/most competitive league last season:
Zack Greinke,
Justin Verlander,
Yovani Gallardo,
Matt Cain,
Josh Johnson,
Wandy Rodriguez. Some had good seasons, but none busted out like this year . . . when I don't own a single one of 'em. Sigh.
But whether it's real life or fantasy, you just can't play the coulda-shoulda-woulda game. That'll drive you batty. And speaking of people driving us nuts, say hello to Mr.
Chad Billingsley in this week's Fallers section, right after a few Risers . . .
RISERS Felix Hernandez:
Roy Halladay and
Zack Greinke are getting all the A.L. pitching ink, but Felix is quietly dominating, winning two of his three July starts, averaging 8 IP with 7.5 Ks in each. And he's now 10-3 with a 2.51 ERA, 1.12 WHIP and a 129/37 K/BB rate. All hail King Felix! (Royalty humor. Always kills.)
Jonny Gomes: Injuries have forced Dusty Baker to give Gomes time, and he's responded: .310/6 HR/19 RBI/.402 OBP/.962 OPS in 117 at-bats.
Jermaine Dye: One of the more underappreciated roto players of the past several years – he's averaged 34 HR/95 RBI/85 R -- Dye's batting a hair under .300 (.299) with his trademark power (21 HRs), and is batting .380 with 9 R over his past eight games. I traded him in a package for
Grady Sizemore a couple weeks ago, but I still miss him. Sniff.
Nyjer Morgan: He started hot in April with a crazy-high BABIP (a career .346 according to FanGraphs, high even for a speedster) that pushed his average to .307, but came back down to Earth in May and took his average with it (.245). But he's batting .344 with 10 SB and 10 R since the Buccos exiled him to Washington – "out of the frying pan, into the fire" personified -- and he's got 28 SB/49 R total. Getting 40-plus steals and 8o-plus runs from a likely waiver pick is gravy.
Chris Davis: On July 12th, I Tweeted the following: "
Chris Davis since his demotion: .467 (7 for 15), 1 HR, 4 RBI, 2 BBs, and only 4 Ks. Just sayin' . . ." Since then he's cooled a tad, but he's still making a case to be recalled – .370/2 HR/.696 SLG/1.119 OPS – especially with
Andruw Jones morphing back into the greasy can of gelatinous goo that he is (1-for-19 since his 3-HR game).
Jimmy Rollins: The MCI's favorite 2009 whipping boy, the eminently frustrating Rollins is having himself a nice little July (.377). But remember he's still the Devil, and while the Devil can take on many forms – serpent; dog-beast; small, pale British schoolboy with his own creepy theme music; and, of course,
Muppet-like dictator with bouffant hairdo -- it's
this familiar one that has mostly confounded owners this season.
Ubaldo Jimenez: A trendy sleeper, he crashed in April (1-3, 7.58 ERA) so he's either possibly still on your waiver wire or not highly esteemed by your league mates. But look closer at his May/June/July and you'll see a 6-6 record with 3.32 ERA and 12.1 K/9 in July.
Garrett Jones: Beisbol been beddy beddy good to heem. Wait, that's Garrett Morris. As Chico Escuela. Now I'm all mixed up. Because
Garrett Jones is not only not Latino, he's not black either . . . he's white. Call me a racial profiler, but I was shocked to discover that. One of those Troy O'Leary "I coulda sworn he was a fat, drunk, chowderheaded, red-faced lout" situations, I guess. Or
Junior Spivey. Remember him? No
way I ever thought someone named
Junior Spivey was black, because a "
Junior Spivey" is one guy and
one guy only.
Where was I? Oh yeah -- Jones has been absolutely en fuego since getting the call: 8 HRs in 59 at-bats (but he's unfortunately studying at the
Adrian Gonzalez School of Empty Base Hitting: all 8 have been solo shots, amazingly enough). And he's got a higher slugging percentage than
Albert Pujols (.783 to .726)! Quick, trade Pujols for him! Fantasy Sports Message Board Humor 101 aside, feel free to ride him while he's hot or sell high (if someone believe sin your league), because he has that look/feel of the proverbial "old rookie who pitchers will figure out very, very soon." Unlike, say . . .
Last week was bittersweet.
Even though I was exhausted after several consecutive nights of colicky infant-tarnished sleep, red-eyed air travel to Boulder, drinking beer in high altitudes (one Bud Light felt like I'd licked an entire blotter of acid) and the emotional toll of having to be "on" for a full day of job interviews ("Dance, monkey boy! Bang those cymbals!"), I was nevertheless excited about life in general.
New baby. New job possibility, at one of the world's most awarded creative ad agencies, in a beautiful part of the country. (Boulder couldn't have been nicer; its mountains point, giggle and make tired Viagra® jokes at Vermont's/New Hampshire's poor little emasculated molehills.) What's not to love? Yes, life was suddenly looking as grand as possible for a laid-off schmuck with one third-to-last-place roto team and, suddenly, two children to support . . . which made what happened next even more deflating. (And, no, I'm not talking about
Tim Wakefield's getting no love in the All-Star game or my trading
Justin Morneau right
before his 7 RBI outburst.)
When I landed back in Boston, I received an email from a friend, the uber-talented LA-based playwright ("Radio Free Emerson")/director (
Parachute)/TV writer ("Law & Order SVU"), Paul Grellong. It was titled
"D'oh! I guess we were ahead of our time" and included a link to a new fantasy football TV series on FX,
"The League," co-helmed by the exec producer of "Curb Your Enthusiasm," Jeff Schaffer.
I was torn: on one hand, I
lovvvvve "Curb" – best TV
on TV along with "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," "Rescue Me," "Dexter," and "30 Rock" – but on the other hand, Paul and I had this same basic idea five years ago. (Open mouth; insert Liquid Draino.) See, he'd read
my first book and, in 2004, wrote a TV pilot based on it called "Fantasy Man." Like "The League," it was a look at life, love, marriage, friendship and parenting through the eyes of a fantasy football fanatic and his longtime league. We pitched it around -- not well, evidently -- but the common response at the time was, "Who wants to watch a bunch of nerds play this dorky 'fantasy football' game?"
Granted, we're admittedly not Schaffer, who was also a "Seinfeld" exec producer and co-writer of "Bruno." So I'm honestly glad someone like him is in charge and I, like most of you fantasy fanatics, absolutely can't wait to see it. Especially if Jeff, a fantasy sports nut himself, reads this column, soaks in this shameless, long-winded, thinly-veiled suck-up, and hires me to write for him while I'm (hopefully) working in Boulder. Seriously. I can commute to LA over the Rockies via burro. He doesn't even have to pay me in American currency. I'll take rubles. Dunkin Munchkins. Play-Doh. Unwashed, game-worn Al Hrabosky underwear. Anything.
Anyway, being ahead of one's time can also be a curse in roto baseball. I'm prone to drafting/buying players a year before they really blow up. It's uncanny. I mean, check out my pitching staff in my main/most competitive league last season:
Zack Greinke,
Justin Verlander,
Yovani Gallardo,
Matt Cain,
Josh Johnson,
Wandy Rodriguez. Some had good seasons, but none busted out like this year . . . when I don't own a single one of 'em. Sigh.
But whether it's real life or fantasy, you just can't play the coulda-shoulda-woulda game. That'll drive you batty. And speaking of people driving us nuts, say hello to Mr.
Chad Billingsley in this week's Fallers section, right after a few Risers . . .
RISERS Felix Hernandez:
Roy Halladay and
Zack Greinke are getting all the A.L. pitching ink, but Felix is quietly dominating, winning two of his three July starts, averaging 8 IP with 7.5 Ks in each. And he's now 10-3 with a 2.51 ERA, 1.12 WHIP and a 129/37 K/BB rate. All hail King Felix! (Royalty humor. Always kills.)
Jonny Gomes: Injuries have forced Dusty Baker to give Gomes time, and he's responded: .310/6 HR/19 RBI/.402 OBP/.962 OPS in 117 at-bats.
Jermaine Dye: One of the more underappreciated roto players of the past several years – he's averaged 34 HR/95 RBI/85 R -- Dye's batting a hair under .300 (.299) with his trademark power (21 HRs), and is batting .380 with 9 R over his past eight games. I traded him in a package for
Grady Sizemore a couple weeks ago, but I still miss him. Sniff.
Nyjer Morgan: He started hot in April with a crazy-high BABIP (a career .346 according to FanGraphs, high even for a speedster) that pushed his average to .307, but came back down to Earth in May and took his average with it (.245). But he's batting .344 with 10 SB and 10 R since the Buccos exiled him to Washington – "out of the frying pan, into the fire" personified -- and he's got 28 SB/49 R total. Getting 40-plus steals and 8o-plus runs from a likely waiver pick is gravy.
Chris Davis: On July 12th, I Tweeted the following: "
Chris Davis since his demotion: .467 (7 for 15), 1 HR, 4 RBI, 2 BBs, and only 4 Ks. Just sayin' . . ." Since then he's cooled a tad, but he's still making a case to be recalled – .370/2 HR/.696 SLG/1.119 OPS – especially with
Andruw Jones morphing back into the greasy can of gelatinous goo that he is (1-for-19 since his 3-HR game).
Jimmy Rollins: The MCI's favorite 2009 whipping boy, the eminently frustrating Rollins is having himself a nice little July (.377). But remember he's still the Devil, and while the Devil can take on many forms – serpent; dog-beast; small, pale British schoolboy with his own creepy theme music; and, of course,
Muppet-like dictator with bouffant hairdo -- it's
this familiar one that has mostly confounded owners this season.
Ubaldo Jimenez: A trendy sleeper, he crashed in April (1-3, 7.58 ERA) so he's either possibly still on your waiver wire or not highly esteemed by your league mates. But look closer at his May/June/July and you'll see a 6-6 record with 3.32 ERA and 12.1 K/9 in July.
Garrett Jones: Beisbol been beddy beddy good to heem. Wait, that's Garrett Morris. As Chico Escuela. Now I'm all mixed up. Because
Garrett Jones is not only not Latino, he's not black either . . . he's white. Call me a racial profiler, but I was shocked to discover that. One of those Troy O'Leary "I coulda sworn he was a fat, drunk, chowderheaded, red-faced lout" situations, I guess. Or
Junior Spivey. Remember him? No
way I ever thought someone named
Junior Spivey was black, because a "
Junior Spivey" is one guy and
one guy only.
Where was I? Oh yeah -- Jones has been absolutely en fuego since getting the call: 8 HRs in 59 at-bats (but he's unfortunately studying at the
Adrian Gonzalez School of Empty Base Hitting: all 8 have been solo shots, amazingly enough). And he's got a higher slugging percentage than
Albert Pujols (.783 to .726)! Quick, trade Pujols for him! Fantasy Sports Message Board Humor 101 aside, feel free to ride him while he's hot or sell high (if someone believe sin your league), because he has that look/feel of the proverbial "old rookie who pitchers will figure out very, very soon." Unlike, say . . .
. . .
Jake Fox: Before he got called up, the 27-year-old Fox was absolutely crushing AAA -- .409/17 HR/53 RBI/.841 SLG/1.336 OPS in 194 PA's, and showing a decent eye with a 31/21 K/BB rate. And while naysayers might, um, naysay that it was the hitter-friendly PCL, he's mashed at all levels and, if crotchety old Lou gives him the playing time (Hoffpauir? Seriously, Lou?), he could have a real nice second half.
Scott Podsednik: .370 OBP, 39 R and 15 SBs in 67 games? Yeah, his owners will take that.
Tim Lincecum: I try not to list obvious, uber-studs in this space, but the following stats have made it simply impossible
not to praise him: 10-2, 2.27 ERA, 159/35 K/BB. In related news, in late March I predicted
Chad Billingsley would win the NL CY Young. I guess this upset Timmay.
Carlos Quentin: Off the DL. Will take him some time to get his stroke back, but he'll make a nice power grab for you down the stretch if his owner gave up on him.
Prince Fielder: Another obvious one (sorry), but quick . . . what's Prince's average? I bet 90% of you said .280. No, friends, Prince is batting .314. But he's not doing it
David Wright-style with no power – he's picking up right where he left off after his HR Derby win, with 2 bombs/5 RBI/5 R in the Cincinnati series, bringing his season totals to .314/24/83 RBI/63 R.
Jason Kubel: About as under-the-radar as you can get, Kubel has batted .312 with 15 HR, 48 RBI and a .953 OPS, good for seventh in the AL (ahead of more highly touted sluggers like Teixeira, Cruz, Dye, ARod, Longoria, Bay and Pena).
My time on Rotoworld's Forums: Haven't spent much if any time on the Rotoworld forums before. But someone was kind enough to praise this column there, so the least I could do was go on and
yammer incoherently about writing.
Tommy Hanson: I
Tweeted just before the All-Star game that Hanson owners -- in case you were just reading the "Hanson demoted" headline without knowing the full context -- shouldn't panic about his "demotion" back down to AAA because they just wanted him to pitch over the break. And while he never did, he came back extra refreshed with 7 IP/3 ER/11 K performance last night. I'll say it again: with the dearth of candidates and his ever-growing talent, Hanson is my leader for NL Rookie of the Year.
FALLERSChad Billingsley: Hasn't won since June 14 at Texas. That's six games, two losses, four no-decisions, the kicker being a 1.2 IP/9 H/6 ER debacle against Houston last time out. And during this "streak," aside from an 11 K game in Coors, he's averaged just over 3 Ks per game. Still, there's no talk of a hidden injury, so I'd say he's a hearty buy low. Even if he doesn't have the glorious, flowing mane of a longhaired teenage hippie chick, like Lincecum does.
Juan Rivera: One of the more pleasant surprises this season at .309/16 HR/53 RBI – guy could always hit, just needed the at-bats -- Rivera has missed the past couple games with hammy tightness. He claims he won't hit the DL and should be back tonight, but I also claim I'm going to win the Pulitzer Prize for Asinine Fantasy Sports Columns, so we'll just have to see.
Julio Lugo: Released after – shocker – the Sox realized that roughly $13.5 million remaining dollars was too much for an occasionally disgruntled, 34-year-old punch-and-Judy hitter who sports the perpetually furrowed brow of a confused/angry drunk who just discovered that the hooker he's making out with is actually a dude. (That said, he'll likely go to the Mets once he clears waivers and could make a reeeeal deep emergency NL-only SS flier.)
Adrian Gonzalez: After an April/May where he mashed to the tune of .291/20 HR/40 RBI
(an inspiration to Garrett Jones!)/1.045 OPS, he's hit .187/4 HR/12 RBI/.682 OPS since the start of June. And he hasn't had an RBI since July 6 or – can you believe this? – homered since June 23rd. Still, this guy screams buy low right now. Maybe he's not as scorching as he started off, but he's certainly not this bad. His homer last night is a good start (see "Longoria, Evan" below).
Joe Jackson: Not the banned Black Sock who should be in Cooperstown. Or the "I'm the Man" singer. I'm talking about the jackass (alleged) child-abuser/Jackson family patriarch-slash-stage dad who now claims that Michael was murdered. As if that maudlin, Star Search-esque freakshow of a "funeral" wasn't enough. (In related news,
LaToya will soon be the first person ever to be housed at Madame Tussaud's while still alive.)
Ben Zobrist: Just kidding. I love this guy in a creepy way that typically leads to the awkward, ill-conceived sending of Vermont Tedddy Bears and the receiving of temporary restraining orders and/or taser burns. .304/18 HR/53 RBI and he leads the AL in slugging (.597), OPS (1.015), third in OBP (.413). Oh, and he has 11 steals.
Frank Francisco: Shoulder…elbow…now it's pneumonia. Even before this news I was going to recommend you deal him – I traded him,
Justin Morneau &
Corey Hart for
Nick Markakis,
Victor Martinez &
Jay Bruce in one keeper league just yesterday – but this, combined with his past DL stints and
C.J. Wilson's effectiveness, were all giant red flags. And Wilson immediately K's two to get the save last night. Francisco owners = worried. (That said, yes, I've been repeatedly smacking myself in the head with a tack hammer since seeing Morneau's ridiculous stat line last night. Is it petty to hope that the owner I traded with gets Syphilis? Okay, how 'bout at least the Clap?)
Chad Qualls: After 12 saves in April and May, Qualls has only notched 5 since the start of June. And the D'backs are bad. Real bad. And while I'm not afraid of closers on mediocre teams – Bell, Aardsma, Sherrill, Capps, Soria, Bailey – he might soon be a set-up guy on a good team (Yanks, Phils have been rumored), meaning
Jon Rauch might take over closing duties anyway.
Grown Men Who Wear Crocs: Don't. Please. Just don't. Might as well just have your virginity surgically re-implanted into your groin, pancreas or wherever it's commonly housed.
Matt Wieters: Hitting .152 (5-for-32) in July, with 1 HR and 3 RBI. Guess expecting him to be the reincarnation of Josh Gibson-meets-Thurman Munson-meets-Johnny Bench was a little lofty, eh? Still, he's obviously prime keeper material and if, for some odd reason, his owner's totally given up on him, dangle a Brandon Inge and try to steal him, because this is the last year he'll struggle like this.
Evan Longoria: I was one of many drooling over him in April and May, and why not? He only hit .332/13 HR/55 RBI/1.035 OPS. But injuries and just plain slumping have combined to bring him back to Earth in June and July: .201/5 HR/15 RBI/.664 OPS. But if his owner is (weirdly) giving up on him, you need to pounce. Now. The injury was an infected ring finger, not a knee or shoulder, and his HR last night shows he's still got it.
Oh, and when I said I'd answer every email, I meant it. I really try to. But please, for the love of Lenny Dykstra, have a specific trade/lineup question vs. just "What do you think of my team?" That would make my head hurt so much less. Thanks.
Good luck this week.