Ring the canons, fire the hounds, and loose the bells -- you're only one day away from fantasy football season. Granted, unless you're one of those 365-day per year super-nerds, most of you will have probably just started weaning yourself off of a summer tv-watching routine of "Ugly Betty" reruns and "Rock of Love" marathons. Emasculate yourself no more, young Funston, for your day of reckoning has arrived.
Yes, it's officially time to inoculate yourself for 16 weeks of faux-pigskin geekdom that'll take precedence over everything: family, friends, sex (in all forms), major surgeries, financial obligations, funerals for pets, and personal hygiene. Your life has now morphed into one big, giant Stat Tracker, constantly loading and reloading with information that ranges from vital to miniscule. In fact, it's probably been doing that for the last two weeks, but you just don't even realize it yet. (Honestly, if you've been name-dropping Jessie Chatman at the bar, you might as well just propose to your left hand right now. See: Pitzer, Matt.)
But, here, each week at the Showbar, I'll track some of the players I'm currently using on my five fantasy teams: gushing about the ones that make this season worthwhile and concocting various vicious torture techniques for those who don't.
It should be mildly amusing. En garte!
GUSH
Adrian Peterson, Minnesota Vikings: I'm apparently drafting him waaay too high in most leagues according to some, ahem, "experts", but how can you pass on the possibility he might do something magical? Chester Taylor could get 40 carries a game for all I care, but it won't change my mind about starting Adrian Peterson. He's my WR/RB slot show pony. I'm drunk on the possibility. He's MINE. In fact, yes, for the rest of the year, I've officially named my left hand Adrian Peterson.
D.J. Hackett, Seattle Seahawks: He's your typical sleeper candidate that everybody loves to draft in round 12 so they can talk about his upside and the potential big play ability that he'll bring to the Seahawks offense. Me? I like his name: D.J. Hackett. Try yelling it in your best Sam Jackson voice: DJ HACK-IT. That just sounds like a wide receiver's name. Or a bad-ass detective show.
Brian Leonard, St. Louis Rams: Who doesn't lose their mind when white guys from Rutgers start leaping over linebackers? And, of course, there's the whole backup plan if Steven Jackson gets crippled-aspect that also makes him appealing. But he's totally got that Nick Goings-in 2004 look about him. And any member of the Scarlet Knights you put on your team is also a subtle protest against racial insensitivity by morning radio personalities.
MAIM
Kansas City Chiefs: Hasn't "Hard Knock Life" just spooked everybody? I'd rather eat a sandwich using Gunther Cunningham's Skoal-ravaged gums as lunchmeat than be stuck with an offensive player from this ugly squad. Yes, even Larry Johnson's almost guaranteed dominance still doesn't make up for the fact that I don't want to have any reason to watch the Chiefs this year at all. I think October Gonzalez's left implant could potentially have a better quarterback rating than both Brodie Croyle and Duane Huard this year.
Clinton Portis, Washington Redskins: This is the year Clinton Portis officially becomes a fantasy drain. He's still too talented to bench every week but Ladell Betts is appearing more and more like the most productive member of the Redskins backfield. And he'll do so without silly costumed-press conferences or making unfortunate proclamations about Michael Vick's innocence. However, that's his downside as well. Somebody should really put a purple wig on Ladell Betts and give him a script of asinine things to say of the dog-fighting-is-just-like-hunting-variety just to keep him interesting.
Travis Henry, RB, Denver Broncos: How can a man with such an active sperm count be depended upon week-to-week in high altitudes? There's not a medical correlation between the two (yet), but it is something to consider. Plus, personally, I'm afraid if I put him on my team, I'll end up three months pregnant.
Next Year's Team Name
Joe Theisman's Prostate Exam